just pretend nothing happened
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[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
me after eating Cheetos
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”