My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
You Might Also Like
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
she has a point
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.