Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…