*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.