How software testing works
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”