Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.