Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
work smarter, not harder
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY