Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.