does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
hackers play passwordle
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*serious situation*
My brain:
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My spirit animal is fried chicken
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.