Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
You Might Also Like
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.