I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Sorry I made promises on Friday
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.