When you kidnap a writer.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
my name if I was in the mob
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Liquor Store Parking
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in