Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Trumpy Cat
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.