Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂