curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
the battle rages on
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.