if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded