I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My safe word is Worcestershire
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.