I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
You Might Also Like
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“Why you watching this shit?”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.