Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
You Might Also Like
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.