The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.