I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles