The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*