when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?