Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I feel it
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My safe word is Worcestershire
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m aging like a fine banana
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not