Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
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me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.