Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
#CoronaOutbreak
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.