You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
plant them where lol
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Has science gone too far?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY