You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.