A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.