I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Well, shit
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.