The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby