I falcon love using swear birds
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.