yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
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ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.