The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
dutch is not a serious language
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“you recording!?”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.