All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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Bond. Trauma bond.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My daily affirmation
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.