I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
You Might Also Like
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Social Media and Real life
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish