If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
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my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
They must have gotten it to go.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”