My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
🤣🤣💀
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Damn what did I do next
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.