Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Well, this explains it:
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist