The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.