Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Breaking news:
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
This probably isn’t good
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
#SCOTUS one-star review
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Thinking about Jeff
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that