Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”