bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
You Might Also Like
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
this is what they would have looked like, though
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.