I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Wait for it
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Lassie, get help!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.