You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
You Might Also Like
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
lmfao
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”