Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A