(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.