(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Posting this on behalf of a friend
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My first son he is wonderful
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.