The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in