Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers